May 31st – Tetris

I am feeling much better today. I felt a little clammy this morning. But maybe I felt that way because I was outside most of today and it was rather warm.
I got a lot done today. I helped out the Rotary most of today at the local jazz festival. I became much better acquainted with a few other rotary members (Rotarians!) and I had a lot of fun with them.
I also did the team schedule for June and July. Basically we offer a lot of range and playing days for the girls to help them get ready for the upcoming season.
Putting together a schedule where I could fit in playing times with the course schedule and my own schedule was like playing a game of Tetris. It was difficult, but I got it to work.
Well, I am still exhausted. So I will call it a night.

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May 30th – Bad Uterus

My problems were only just beginning with my headache late last night. It got worse from there.
After a poor night of sleep I woke up cold and sweaty. I took Sophie out and felt very dizzy. I thought that after showering, putting on fresh clothes, going to Rotary, and eating a good breakfast I would feel fine.
I was wrong.
I came home, got the heck out of my dress clothes and into sweatpants, and curled up on the couch with my pillows and comforter.
I ached all over, my finger tips felt numb, and my gut felt like it was full of lead. I slept on and off most of the day.
Heather called and asked if I was going to be at the office today. I told her I was sick. She practically begged me to come to the office because everyone with twice-monthly payroll was calling in today. And apparently a lot of tax clients were asking for additional copies of their tax returns for home loans.
So I fid go to the office to prepare a few payrolls for her. But then I came straight home.
As I had begun to suspect, it became evident this afternoon that my period had started. I may have had a mild fever too.
I have had the occasional rough period before, but nothing like this. I was straight-up incapacitated. I think it is because this is only the third month I have been off my birth control pills.
At least this explains my depression this week.
Since sitting around at home was not making me feel better I still went out with Matt tonight. We had a picnic and walked around Lisbon. I was just about 100% back by the end of our date.
Thank goodness because I have things to do tomorrow.

May 28th – Failure

I feel so tired. I have not slept well lately. Neither has Matt because he is afraid of oversleeping.
I ate more than I should today. I kept going to the kitchen to look for food while I was working on the first aide online class. My weight took a big leap in the wrong direction this week.
I feel awful. I have become very upset with my weight and how I feel. And the more I struggle the worse it gets. I do not know what to do anymore.
I try to walk the driveway whenever possible. I also try walking when I play, but usually I am playing either in the league and want to socialize with the other women more (yes, riding in a cart with someone makes a difference), or have limited time and need to play quickly.
I get derailed when Heather bakes cookies and brings them to work. Mom makes pies. Dad decides to send Heather out to get lunch for the office. Everything pops up unexpectedly and I want to be able to participate and feel a part of the group.
I tried Nutrisystem last summer. Many of the meals I did not enjoy or quickly became sick of eating all the time. I still have boxes of the stuff.
I do not know what to do. I am really really upset with myself. Especially because 18 months ago I had worked so hard and nearly reached my ideal weight. Now I have gained forty of those pounds back. Forty of the sixty I had lost over the course of just over a year.
I feel like I do not want to allow myself to eat tomorrow. And that is bad. Very bad. That is self-destructive behavior I have not done since early 2011.
And that is what scares me tonight.

May 27th – *sigh*

I am still mad at myself for gaining this weight. I for not eat anything until one this afternoon, and that was a slim fast shake. I just do not want to eat anything. I just want to lose this weight and be happy with myself.
I have been trying to get Dad to go and book The Quarry this week. The Quarry wants a $1,500 deposit (which is high for the area), and Dad does not want to make any deposit because of rumors the place has continuing operational problems.
I do not want is to lose the money if the place shuts down unexpectedly. But if that date gets booked then we will have a lot of problems. We will either have no choice but to book a more expensive venue or change our date. We cannot move the date any sooner because of tax season and Heather’s wedding. And any later and we will continue to see everything already booked up. I feel The Quarry is not only our best choice, but our only choice.
Matt started back at the factory today. He was tired tonight, but in good spirits.
I really hope Matt gets a phone call for an interview soon. We are both anxious for him to find a job close to me so we can start the rest of our lives together.
That is all we want. And even with a ring on my finger and the date set, It seems as if it will never come.
I must be very tired. Usually I am all things positive and optimistic. But tonight so many things appear gloomy to me.

May 26th – Memorial Day

Today wore me out. After attending a cookout this afternoon I felt very sleep from about three o’clock to eight. Now I am back home and I do not feel like going up to bed.
Matt goes back to his summer factory temp job tomorrow. He dreads going back because now it will be harder to find to find a good full-time job near me.
I wish there was something I could do to help Matt. It is hard to see him struggle and not knowing what it is I can do to make everything work out.
Losing weight has been a huge struggle for me. I try and try and try and still I keep seeing the numbers on the scale creep up. It took me nearly an hour to decide what to wear today because I do not have any shorts that fit. And I cannot wear dresses because my thighs are now burning from rubbing together when I walk.
It is enough to begin to make me very depressed. I think about tomorrow and what I weigh and I do not even want to eat anything. I do not know what to do anymore.

May 25th – 11 Months Until W-Day!

Matt came with me to my church today. People at my church (most if whom were there since I was baptized as a newborn) we confusing Heather and I. That hardly bodes well.
For lunch Matt and I went to The Quarry. Matt had a good look at the banquet room and around the premises. He is really happy with the place.
I took him to downtown Canton to walk around and to show him several places Mom and I had looked at. We are still pleased with The Quarry.
We planted flowers together at the farmhouse for Heather. We also put together the day bed for the spare bedroom. Heather was in a good mood and appreciative of our help (gasp!).
The big event tonight was the local Memorial Day weekend square dance. Last year Matt and I went. We were very nervous. Well, more like I was nervous because there were a lot of people I has not seen in a long time. This group of people includes an old flame from high school.
We had never dated. But we were involved in a lot of things together and were regular dance partners at these events. I was constantly throwing myself at him. And he never made a move. He chickened out if asking me to prom his senior year. But the following year I called and asked him and accepted (that was an awesome prom).
But he never made a move.
August 2008 he let me drive away to North Carolina without a word.
Last year’s dance I saw him again. But I was bound and determined not to approach him first. I was not going to repeat the past. And there was no reason to because I had found Matt.
This year’s event was the same as last year. Though I was not quite as nervous and I talked to old friends more. I was even able to work up the courage to dance again! And he never came over to talk to me.
Matt square danced for the first time in his life tonight. It was a little rough, but he did better than I did my first time. I fell on the floor the first time. Actually, I blame my partner. I am pretty sure he threw me to the ground.
But Matt was a real trooper. A slight inebriated trooper. But a trooper nonetheless. It made me so happy to square dance again. It has been nearly six years since I has last danced. But it was easy to get back into.
Matt is staying the night. Tomorrow we are going to a friend’s cook-out and then back to his house to enjoy the newly updated back porch his parents just finished.